The Man Outside the Box

A lot of people recently have been asking me whats wrong? Why don’t you open. Well that is because I’m not really an open person with people I don’t trust too well. To the people that ask, it isn’t that I don’t trust you, its just that I have never been able to talk to anyone about my serious issues. So I guess lets get started.

One of the many problems that I have is that I feel like throughout my life, I was never given enough attention as a child. Since my dad left when I was around 10 I have always felt like I needed to be the father figure in my own life. Doing the things that a man should do and do it alone because I also have trouble asking for help. Growing up I would have to be responsible for most if not all my decisions in my life. I wasn’t old enough to make my own decisions and shouldn’t have had to because I had an absent mother. Also throughout my childhood I wasn’t the only one who was experiencing problems. My brothers also experienced problems, but they were more into expressing their feelings with physical violence. Seeing this as a child made me scared to face conflict because  I was afraid that it would cause me to become that kind of person and I never wanted to be that.

Throughout my high school career I was branded the gay kid of my class, and going to a catholic high school, it wasn’t a real good thing. To this very day I don’t know if people were talking and making fun of me behind my back or if it was my paranoia that people were doing it, but the issue was I wasn’t very well liked in high school until senior year. It also wasn’t helpful for me that no one was really encouraging me to do good in school. My mom was to busy to answer any of the questions that I had, so I had to do everything on my own. At this point I started getting the idea that no one was going to help me with the problems that I had and therefore never would ask. The problems at home weren’t getting any better and the financial situation cause my mom to go crazy about working and making money. Sometimes money isn’t the most important thing in life. Instead on focusing on the money in a family, how bout you focus on the actual family themselves and help the family with their emotional problems.

After high school the problems grew worse at home. Drug addictions and yelling and a bunch of other things happening all at once caused me to have complete elimination of faith in anything positive. Also there were a lot of car problems with pretty much made my head explode. And then college happened. The first semester of college was total crap. I didn’t talk to anyone because I really just couldn’t open up to them. By the end of my second semester I had made a couple of new friends, but still didn’t trust them.

The sophmore year of college was definitely a doozy. I started being able to open up a bit more, but this is the biggest problem I have with other people. YOU DON”T EVER LISTEN TO ME!!!!! That is why I never tell anyone about my problems because you can’t sit there for 5 minutes and listen to me. I also could not stand sitting there and listening to everyone else’s problems and they not focusing on the possible problems that I have. After starting work at wal-mart, pretty much everything in my life went down hill. Working way to many hours made my grades drop, my social life deplete and my sleep diminished. I can’t talk about the problems at wal-mart due to fear that they will fire me, but if you really want to know, then just ask and I will tell. The stress in my life has pretty much quadrupled and my desire to off myself has quintupled because of said stress. Why am I stress? That because I have this problem with me trying to make everyone happy without considering myself. I am also stressed because I am one of the most lonely people I know. Since I really don’t disclose myself to a lot of people, people only know me as that funny gay guy that everyone loves, but that really is just a persona I put on to hide the fact that I’m super lonely and super depressed. I have never been able to get a boyfriend despite the fact that I have tried and tried too hard to get one. I am so desperate that it rubs off as a negative persona.I also have a problem of people manipulating me. Since I am so desperate for human companionship, I am vulnerable and willing to do a lot for someone in order for them to like me. I have no idea if they actually do like me or if they like me cause I give them stuff.

So yeah, those are a majority of my problems. If you wanna know more, just ask.

Anonymous: are you going to the beatles: the lost concert" movie when it comes out next month?

I would, it sounds fun.

lottiemagoo: I'M NOT THE ONLY FIERCE ONE!! WE'RE GETTING INTO THAT SCHOOL!!! PIGFARTS!!

YES!!!

(Source: exst4cy, via ourdeepthoughts)

stonehedge-abroccalypse:

yeswecas:

anon or not I’m always here :D

(via procrastiel)